I’m no medical expert, and I don’t claim to be one, but I am 100 percent confident in my diagnosis of a severely debilitating condition that is no laughing matter: senioritis. I don’t need WebMd or an expert’s opinion to prove my claim; I only need this article in the newspaper.

This story is the product of senioritis. This sorry excuse for a column is where a well-researched, convincing, scholarly opinion piece should be. Yet somehow this is what ended up in the newspaper.

There’s an abundance of newsworthy material for me to write about in this issue – the Trayvon Martin case, the birth control controversy, health care, Syria, and I hear Sonic started serving popcorn chicken again – but I can’t tell you much about these issues that can’t be found on my Twitter feed or The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

All of this is simply because I refuse to put forth an effort. None of this, however, is my fault. I am a victim of a crippling disorder that prevents me from doing anything except the bare minimum of what is required from me.

I saw my older classmates do some outrageous things just for the sake of not being productive (some of which I am now guilty of and so I won’t share them in a published article). I saw the Facebook statuses of afflicted upperclassmen and thought of them as melodramatic.

But pay attention, MHS, because senioritis is real. Maybe you won’t get it. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones. I wouldn’t take my chances, though, because the odds are heavily against you.

Based on a study that I just made up because of my motivational deficiency, an imaginary 60 percent of seniors developed a case of senioritis in 2011. I’m still waiting for this year’s results to be fabricated, but I have a feeling the number will be even higher.

The symptoms for this disease are common and easy to notice: laziness, procrastination, excessive social-networking site visits, chronic MTV viewing, poor excuses, and extensive napping. These are just some of the major symptoms.

Combating this disease is difficult. There’s no vaccination for senioritis, nor an antibiotic or any standard medical procedure to alleviate the symptoms (there is a surgical procedure, but it’s high-risk and illegal in most states).

So the best way to fight off the lethargy of senioritis is by forming a small support group among your friends that encourages studying and a healthy work schedule. Break your day down into small intervals of work and free time so as to spread out your procrastination instead of feeling overwhelmed and pressured to do nothing all night.

There are a few more pieces of advice I should give you, but I’m really tired and Fantasy Factory is on TV and I haven’t checked my Twitter all day. Not to mention the immense amount of schoolwork I need to find time to not do.